HOTSCREAM™ 3000 — The First Connected Ice Cream Warmer

The HOTSCREAM™ 3000 uses our patented ThermoReversum™ technology, a 450-watt heating element scientifically calibrated to turn your artisanal vanilla scoop into artisanal vanilla soup in just 45 seconds. That's 45 seconds longer than your metal spoon takes — but your metal spoon doesn't have a multicolor LED standby light, does it? No. Exactly. Think about that.

Thanks to its OLED touchscreen, choose from our three exclusive modes:
- **Lukewarm Mode (38°C):** the ideal temperature to make your ice cream resemble yogurt abandoned on a counter.
- **Hot Mode (55°C):** perfect for gourmands who've always dreamed of drinking their dessert through a straw.
- **Why Not Mode (72°C):** because one day you have to ask yourself if convictions can melt as easily as caramel. Spoiler: yes.

**What the experts say**
*"It's the worst object I've ever seen in my life, and I've already tested a USB toaster."* — An expert, probably.
*"I ordered the HOTSCREAM™ 3000 for my brother-in-law. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Mission accomplished."* — Claudine, 54, satisfied user
*"Nobody needs this. Really, nobody. Not now, not ever."* — Our ethics committee, since dismissed.

**A mobile app, obviously**
Because a useless object without a connected app is just a useless object. With the HOTSCREAM™ app, available on iOS, Android, and soon connected fridges (yes, really):
- Track the exact temperature of your melting ice cream in real time with a graph you'll never look at.
- Receive push notifications: "Your ice cream is ready!", "Your ice cream is ready!", "Your ice cream is too hot," "Seriously, eat it."
- Share your melting stats on social media with the hashtag #IWasMelting — still followed by our eleven interns, the only humans behind this account.
- Collect HOTPOINTS™: ten thousand points earn you the right to ask us a question about HOTPOINTS™.

The app requires an account, your phone number, your DNA (optional but recommended), and proudly accepts 17 third-party advertising partners who will know you prefer pistachio. Pistachio, Mark? Really? We're not judging. (We're judging a little.)

**Technical specs nobody will read**
- Power: 450 W (as much as a small space heater, for an incomparably less useful result)
- Battery life: 40 minutes, roughly 3 ice creams or 1 existential crisis
- Materials: black plastic that captures every fingerprint known to the universe
- Compatibility: all ice creams, except sorbets, which separate into a substance even science refuses to name
- Washing: no, precisely not
- Colors: "Frozen Black," "Lukewarm Gray," and "Fusion Red" (identical in photos)

**The Family Pack**
Four people at home? Three screaming kids and a spouse already giving you a strange look? The HOTSCREAM™ FAMILY PACK contains four ice cream warmers — that's 1,800 watts dedicated to deliberately sabotaging the one food designed to be cold. Some call that progress. We call it revenue.

**Our environmental commitments**
We pledge to plant a tree for every ice cream warmed, because nothing offsets an absurd waste of energy better than a disposable symbolic gesture. Our packaging is recyclable, which is the most functional part of the entire product.
**Launch offer**
To celebrate the launch of the HOTSCREAM™ 3000, enjoy 30% off the HOTSCREAM™ + ICE CREAM UMBRELLA bundle (a mini umbrella keeping your dessert in the shade while you heat it up; yes, these two products directly contradict each other; that's innovation for you).
Offer valid until someone in management becomes aware the product exists.

**Satisfaction or re-melting guarantee**
Not satisfied? Send it back to us. We will refund you, personally, with the tears of our investors, who thought they were funding a meditation app. Every device is guaranteed for 2 years against manufacturing defects and 0 seconds against design defects — the latter, let's admit, being the product's very backbone.
**Legal warnings (read aloud in front of witnesses)**
Do not use the HOTSCREAM™ 3000 on food meant to remain cold, hot, lukewarm, edible, or morally defensible. Do not insert hands, fingers, or hopes. Do not expose to the gaze of nutritionists. If you catch yourself using this device on a Tuesday evening muttering "at least I get to decide the temperature," consult the instruction manual, then a friend.
HOTSCREAM™ 3000. Because someone, somewhere, had to cross that line. And frankly, might as well be us collecting the royalties.
Don't thank us. Well, actually, do — a little. That would be nice.